He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
