I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
