ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
