Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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