Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
