We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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