i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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