I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
