I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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