I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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