last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
