I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize