We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize