It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He felt like a one man threesome
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
