Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
