I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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