It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize