you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
