I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
