This dress was meant to end up on your floor
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
