you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My bed smells like the plague
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