Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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