we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
