call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
