So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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