the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So squirting runs in the family.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
