I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
