I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
