If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
