a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize