I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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