That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
