I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
this is an emotional support booty call
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
