the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Bring me that man meat
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
