who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize