If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
