On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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