new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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