Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
