Where are you?
In a non slutty way
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
