so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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