My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
