I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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