How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
