Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
