Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
