I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
