You can't motorboat a personality
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
