Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Congratulations! We have a period
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