Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
