do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
