i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
