a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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