apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
