Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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