we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
