Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize