I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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